The Future

This is the original version of what I recently posted to my OkC journal.

One year ago.

I remember sitting in my car after class and the shower each morning, places no one would hear me, just crying none stop. Every day. Questioning when the pain would stop. Asking myself about a truth I was too scared to recognize. Deciding whether or not I could handle it. Whenever I was just about to give up, I would always remind myself, "You don't know the future. Give tomorrow a chance."

For a long time, that was all I had to rely on. That simple piece of advice. No one reached out to help - even after I finally worked up the courage to ask for it (the hardest thing I have ever done in my life). I am not talking about people behind computer screens. I mean my family. My friends of many years. Professionals in positions of authority. Those who should, by the very nature of their relationship to me, have tried.

No one cared, though.

My fear of asking for help came from my desire to keep hope alive. I could at least tell myself that there was still some last resort - that there was still the possibility of someone stepping in and reaching out a hand for me to grab.

Except, that little lie I told myself was shattered. Yes, I am still bitter. More so, I am terrified.

I never ever ever ever ever EVER want to go back to that place. Nothing scares me more than the idea of feeling that pain again. And now, it is compounded by the truth that I will be alone.

Everything that happened, to get me out of there, was internal. It was my own curiosity of what the future had to offer. It was not being above spiting God by surviving. It was knowing I owed myself better.

I do feel far more confident about my ability to weather the seemingly impossible, but it is still unnerving to not have that safety net there.

My corrolary to all of this is in regards to Joey. Yes, I know, but I promised not to censor myself on this blog. Anyway, it not entirely truthful to say I did it all on my own. He saw a lot of my pain, but I hid so much more away. I do not know that he will ever see what I was truly going through, but it would only make him suffer. So I keep it to myself.

Unfortunately, that also means he cannot know how much strength he has given me. That drive I had, to live better, came from him. For him. I wanted to be better for him. In every way.

For a long time I was disillusioned about it all. I believed I had no one in my life who I could truly rely on, but how could I possibly think that anymore? Because of Joey, I know I will never be alone again. At first, I thought I was beginning to think like those people who always say ridiculous things like, "I cannot live without you." The ones I think have seriously warped perceptions of reality. It makes me nervous to think like that. To put so much faith in one person. Except, I realize now that my strength is not reliant on Joey's presence in my life. God, yes, I want him there for every second of it, but he has shown me something far more significant than simply knowing that he makes me happy. He has reassured me that I do not know the future - that I am  not lying to myself about being persistent. That is something I will hold on to forever, regardless of the circumstances in my life.

-K-

loldobbleganger

It just hit me that I am going to see Joey in less than two weeks, and I am surprisingly relaxed about it. Well, at least not scared or nervous. Just super excited!

-K-

Feliz Navidad

I am often one to argue that Christmas should not be anything more than a tiny little thought in the back of our minds until after the fourth Thursday in November.

Well, I cheated.

I bought (or I will later today if the credit information ever comes through) the boyfriend his present, which I hope to surprise him with on Christmas Eve (the last day he will be here on his visit).

Gift: Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai, The Hidden Fortress, Yojimbo, and Sanjuro.

He once let someone borrow his collection, and it was never returned.

It ended up costing $85 more than it should have, because Barnes and Noble is fucking retarded and a bunch a thieves (literally). Whatever. It is so worth it.

O/

-K-

Fatty Fatty Two-By-Four

The following dates correspond to the start of my sophomore year in college, the end of my sophomore year in college, my 21st birthday and today.

Aug 19, 2008 - 215 lbs with 48% body fat

May 14, 2009 - 190 lbs with 44% body fat

Sep 2, 2009 - 165 lbs with 40% body fat

Nov 14, 2009 - 155 lbs with 36% body fat

During the first interval, I was barely trying to lose weight. The real process began about six months ago. It may seem like it took a long time, but that was my intention.I decided to take a gradual approach to getting where I wanted by creating habits that I could realistically sustain indefinitely.

My original long-term goal was to reach 150 lbs, and I only set an “end of the year” timeline during this past summer. It seems I will reach it, but I have not considered what I will do beyond that. The reason I picked that specific number is simply because it is around the area that is considered borderline normal/overweight (for my height at 5’5”).

Now that I am close, I have to admit, I am unsatisfied. The  numbers do not lie. I have lost 60 lbs and 12% of my body fat! However, I do not feel any different. When I look in the mirror, it seems that I look exactly the same. The only exception is that my breast have definitely gotten smaller!

At this point, I am focused on that atrocious body fat percentage.

Someday, if I dare dream, I would like to see it at 27%, which is about the center of what is considered “acceptable”. Likewise, I would like for my BMI to be around 21.7 (currently at 25.8), which is also in the middle of the range for “normal weight” and would put me in at around 130 lbs. Depending on my body fat percentage, I am willing to go + or - 5 lbs in either direction. This is, of course, all tentative.

I still need to work on these numbers (Target; Average): 

Calories - 1200 vs. 1249 

Total Fat - 30 vs. 38

Saturated Fat - 9 vs. 11

Cholesterol - 120 vs. 73

Sodium - 1500 vs. 2030

Total Carbs - 150 vs. 174
Dietary Fiber - 30 vs. 12 

Sugar - 40 vs. 61

Protein - 55 vs. 51

The total fat and carbs are new targets, which I have been meeting. It will take some time for those averages to drop. My biggest pains are still sodium and sugar! Right now I would also like to begin concentrating more on physical fitness rather than just nutritional, which should help with that body fat percentage and will keep me seeing progress as I get closer to my goal.

 -K-

Dear Blogger

I am coming to you on a most precarious evening.

Every other blog has been compromised. The need for simultaneous public catharsis and informational privacy lead, most unfortunately, to blatant dishonesty. A journal should not be insincere. It is to act merely as an extension of oneself. There need not be any "deep" thoughts that are forced or witty comments to secure social standing. All that is required is truth.

That is what I promise you from here on out.

On this particular night, I am full of anxiety and tension. I would say it concerns me to start anew with this mindset already in place, but it is, of course, the same uneasy feeling that brought me here to begin with. So perhaps these pages will at first be filled, regrettably, with angst, but I foresee lighter words in our future.

All I ask, Blogger, is that you allow me the shameful feelings, those that I have never been able to share elsewhere, with the proud. If it helps, just think of this as your quest: a mission to take me wholly as I am so that I, too, may someday afford myself that same acceptance.

-K-