The Future

This is the original version of what I recently posted to my OkC journal.

One year ago.

I remember sitting in my car after class and the shower each morning, places no one would hear me, just crying none stop. Every day. Questioning when the pain would stop. Asking myself about a truth I was too scared to recognize. Deciding whether or not I could handle it. Whenever I was just about to give up, I would always remind myself, "You don't know the future. Give tomorrow a chance."

For a long time, that was all I had to rely on. That simple piece of advice. No one reached out to help - even after I finally worked up the courage to ask for it (the hardest thing I have ever done in my life). I am not talking about people behind computer screens. I mean my family. My friends of many years. Professionals in positions of authority. Those who should, by the very nature of their relationship to me, have tried.

No one cared, though.

My fear of asking for help came from my desire to keep hope alive. I could at least tell myself that there was still some last resort - that there was still the possibility of someone stepping in and reaching out a hand for me to grab.

Except, that little lie I told myself was shattered. Yes, I am still bitter. More so, I am terrified.

I never ever ever ever ever EVER want to go back to that place. Nothing scares me more than the idea of feeling that pain again. And now, it is compounded by the truth that I will be alone.

Everything that happened, to get me out of there, was internal. It was my own curiosity of what the future had to offer. It was not being above spiting God by surviving. It was knowing I owed myself better.

I do feel far more confident about my ability to weather the seemingly impossible, but it is still unnerving to not have that safety net there.

My corrolary to all of this is in regards to Joey. Yes, I know, but I promised not to censor myself on this blog. Anyway, it not entirely truthful to say I did it all on my own. He saw a lot of my pain, but I hid so much more away. I do not know that he will ever see what I was truly going through, but it would only make him suffer. So I keep it to myself.

Unfortunately, that also means he cannot know how much strength he has given me. That drive I had, to live better, came from him. For him. I wanted to be better for him. In every way.

For a long time I was disillusioned about it all. I believed I had no one in my life who I could truly rely on, but how could I possibly think that anymore? Because of Joey, I know I will never be alone again. At first, I thought I was beginning to think like those people who always say ridiculous things like, "I cannot live without you." The ones I think have seriously warped perceptions of reality. It makes me nervous to think like that. To put so much faith in one person. Except, I realize now that my strength is not reliant on Joey's presence in my life. God, yes, I want him there for every second of it, but he has shown me something far more significant than simply knowing that he makes me happy. He has reassured me that I do not know the future - that I am  not lying to myself about being persistent. That is something I will hold on to forever, regardless of the circumstances in my life.

-K-