Week 3

Maintenance: 1730
Fat loss: 1385
Extreme fat loss: 1200

Monday: 1200 - xxx= xxx
Tuesday: 1200 -xxx = xxx
Wednesday: 1440 - xxx = xxx
Thursday: 1200 - 1205 = -5 + Stretches + Weights + 30 min. elliptical (260 cal.) + 25 min. run (142 cal.; 3.5 min, 2.5 min, & 2 min.)
Friday: 1320 -  =

Saturday: 1200 - =

Sunday: 1200 -  =


Monday: xxx

Tuesday: xxx

Wednesday: xxx

Thursday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, blueberries, strawberries, cheese tortellini soup, pudding, multivitamins, and apple + peanut butter.

Friday:

Saturday:

Sunday:

Week 2

Maintenance: 1730
Fat loss: 1385
Extreme fat loss: 1200

Monday: 1200 - 1146 = 54 + Stretches + Weights
Tuesday: 1200 - 1208 = - 8 + Stretches + 30 min. elliptical (300 cal.) + 20 min. run (100 cal.)
Wednesday: 1440 - 1235 = 205 + Stretches + Weights
Thursday: 1200 -  1243 = - 43 + 21 min. run (180 calories) + 30 min. elliptical (280 calories) + stretches
Friday: 1320 - 1320  =  0 + Stretches + Weights

Saturday: 1200 - 1177 = 23 + 20 min. run (128 calories) + 3 min elliptical ( 272 calories) + stretches

Sunday: 1200 - 1295 = - 95 + Stretches + weights


Monday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, tuna + mayo sandwich, peas, multivitamins and strawberries.

Tuesday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, blueberries, banana, apple + peanut butter, grilled chicken, peas, multivitamins and strawberries.

Wednesday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, cheese tortellini, garlic bread, multivitamins and strawberries.

Thursday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, grilled chicken, peas, multivitamins and strawberries.

Friday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, pringles multivitamins, and strawberries.

Saturday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, grilled chicken, peas, blueberries, multivitamins, and strawberries.

Sunday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, grilled chicken, yogurt parfait, multivitamins, and strawberries.

Week 1

Maintenance: 1730
Fat loss: 1385
Extreme fat loss: 1200

Monday: 1200 - xxx = xxx
Tuesday: 1200 - xxx = xxx
Wednesday: 1440 - xxx =
Thursday: 1200 - 683 = 517 - large chocolate milk and peanut butter + 300 calories at the gym
Friday: 1320 - 959  = 361 + stretch + weights
Saturday: 1200 - 871 = 329 + stretch + wall pushups
Sunday: 1200 - 1181 = 19 + 250 calories at the gym + run w/ Joey + stretch


Monday: xx

Tuesday: xxx

Wednesday: xxx

Thursday: Peanut butter, chocolate milk, yogurt, hummus sandwich, string cheese, applesauce, grilled chicken, peas, multivitamins, and strawberries.

Friday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, apple, grilled chicken, peas, multivitamin and strawberries.

Saturday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, hummus sandwich, apple + peanut butter, cheese tortellini soup, multivitamins, and strawberries.

Sunday: Egg beaters + cheese, yogurt, string cheese, watermelon, hummus sandwich, banana, apple + peanut butter, salmon, peas, multivitamins, banana and strawberries

I love you in that way

We think fantastic thoughts, but a lot of us stumble when the chance comes to share them. It seems many do not even bother attempting anymore. Still, we go on thinking them and imagine there being enough audacity within us to speak any words at any moment.

It is impossible to define what hidden truths lie within each person. They branch out into every conceivable corner of the human mind. Some are significant - ideas that would change the world. Perhaps a few are aware of this power. While others could never know the strength of even the most seemingly trivial subtleties. Still, most are only important in the context of our own minds and certainly are not the fearsome monsters we perceive them to be. The ones, which, when exposed, make us laugh in concealed self-embarrassment for having even worried in the first place. Of course, each lesson in this matter makes us no less likely to build up the exact same anxiety over every future sound we contemplate producing.

This is the moment where I hope someone cannot get something along the lines of, "I know exactly what you mean! I am the same way!" out of their mouths fast enough. Either way, I have shared this obvious reality of man simply to place you in the right frame of mind. So that, when I disclose what I shall in just a moment, you look upon me with sympathy and understanding. Aware that you have experienced the same unease many times yourself.

I love you. See how easy that was? Just a tap of my fingers on these black keys and I have given you a most serious part of my heart. It is quiet the same to pick up a pencil and to scribble across a piece of paper, "I love you." Certainly the words are true, but do I necessarily feel them in that moment that I write them? Probably not. Just an instant before or after, yes, but who knows where the human conscious goes in the midst of action. I suppose for many this distinction is inconsequential. For me it is not. How could it be, with what is at stake?

Speech. The ability of our brain to navigate specific connections which tell our muscles to move in such a way that we can vocalize even the most formless concepts. Surely, this is a feat in line with, if not superior to, pressing fingers against plastic and moving hands across paper. So what makes saying, "I love you." so special? Do we not also lose its meaning while we work to speak?

God, no.

I do not have an explanation for this. What it is about the movement of thoughts from our minds to our lips that does it, I do not know, but it is quite clear that saying certain words magnifies their meaning directly as they are spoken. Much more so than can ever be achieved in writing. Maybe it is the decreased distance. No possibility of their importance being lost in the confusion of travel. Consider though, that this is why, as I very first described, we so often cannot say the things we think. No matter how hard we think them, we tremble as our tongues attempt to give forth their true potential.

That is what it means for me to say, "I love you."

It was terrifying the first time. I hesitated, overwhelmed with the realization that you had finally said it. Knowing what it meant for you. Then I scrambled to center myself just enough to get it out.

It was thought a million times before. Maybe more. You know that. And eventually I had worked myself up enough to believe that I could do it at the right moment, and then I was so confident that I even began to worry I might not be able to contain it at the wrong moment!

Naturally, neither happened.

Then it was done. You, probably unintentionally, had eased the way by pushing me right through that open door. No way I could miss. Afterward, I assumed it would be easier in the future. I mean, we had demystified it and confirmed our feelings for one another, right? What was their to be afraid of?

Well, I had not counted on the phenomenon I illustrated earlier - that as long as those words are honest, their meaning will always be felt in the instant we open our mouths to express them.

So I cannot mindlessly tell you that I love you. It is not possible. Then I should mindfully tell you. I know, but can you imagine the feeling that comes over me when I dare attempt? Should I allow myself to quiver, cry, and fall into your arms each time? OK, well, I know your answer to that. :)

However, what am I to do when there are no arms here to catch me? No hands to dry away those tears, no matter how full of joy they might be? No one to steady my shaking knees? Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but know that all those symptoms are at least manifested quite sincerely in my heart.

I love you in that way. The stupidly passionate way you read about in terrible romance novels like my mother reads. I am not afraid of loving you and I obviously am not afraid of you knowing it, but I definitely am afraid of being swollen with those feelings more often than my being can handle.

So I keep quiet and stay content with admiring you in my mind.

I know I cannot get it out each time we say, "Goodbye" on the phone, and so I avoid it, because I cannot bare you thinking that I do not always love you.

That is all this is. An explanation.

Earlier, I had a thought. It was fantastic, alright, but only in the  sense that it was preposterous.

I thought, "What if he starts to think I do not love him as much as I do because I cannot say it every time I want to?"

So I wrote this. To throw more thoughts and words at you. So maybe you can appreciate why I am still nervous about it all.

The problem now is, even knowing that this whole thing is not a big deal, will I have the courage to actually show you these silly thoughts or will this whole thing come full circle as I hit "Delete" on these little black keys?

-K-

The Future

This is the original version of what I recently posted to my OkC journal.

One year ago.

I remember sitting in my car after class and the shower each morning, places no one would hear me, just crying none stop. Every day. Questioning when the pain would stop. Asking myself about a truth I was too scared to recognize. Deciding whether or not I could handle it. Whenever I was just about to give up, I would always remind myself, "You don't know the future. Give tomorrow a chance."

For a long time, that was all I had to rely on. That simple piece of advice. No one reached out to help - even after I finally worked up the courage to ask for it (the hardest thing I have ever done in my life). I am not talking about people behind computer screens. I mean my family. My friends of many years. Professionals in positions of authority. Those who should, by the very nature of their relationship to me, have tried.

No one cared, though.

My fear of asking for help came from my desire to keep hope alive. I could at least tell myself that there was still some last resort - that there was still the possibility of someone stepping in and reaching out a hand for me to grab.

Except, that little lie I told myself was shattered. Yes, I am still bitter. More so, I am terrified.

I never ever ever ever ever EVER want to go back to that place. Nothing scares me more than the idea of feeling that pain again. And now, it is compounded by the truth that I will be alone.

Everything that happened, to get me out of there, was internal. It was my own curiosity of what the future had to offer. It was not being above spiting God by surviving. It was knowing I owed myself better.

I do feel far more confident about my ability to weather the seemingly impossible, but it is still unnerving to not have that safety net there.

My corrolary to all of this is in regards to Joey. Yes, I know, but I promised not to censor myself on this blog. Anyway, it not entirely truthful to say I did it all on my own. He saw a lot of my pain, but I hid so much more away. I do not know that he will ever see what I was truly going through, but it would only make him suffer. So I keep it to myself.

Unfortunately, that also means he cannot know how much strength he has given me. That drive I had, to live better, came from him. For him. I wanted to be better for him. In every way.

For a long time I was disillusioned about it all. I believed I had no one in my life who I could truly rely on, but how could I possibly think that anymore? Because of Joey, I know I will never be alone again. At first, I thought I was beginning to think like those people who always say ridiculous things like, "I cannot live without you." The ones I think have seriously warped perceptions of reality. It makes me nervous to think like that. To put so much faith in one person. Except, I realize now that my strength is not reliant on Joey's presence in my life. God, yes, I want him there for every second of it, but he has shown me something far more significant than simply knowing that he makes me happy. He has reassured me that I do not know the future - that I am  not lying to myself about being persistent. That is something I will hold on to forever, regardless of the circumstances in my life.

-K-

loldobbleganger

It just hit me that I am going to see Joey in less than two weeks, and I am surprisingly relaxed about it. Well, at least not scared or nervous. Just super excited!

-K-

Feliz Navidad

I am often one to argue that Christmas should not be anything more than a tiny little thought in the back of our minds until after the fourth Thursday in November.

Well, I cheated.

I bought (or I will later today if the credit information ever comes through) the boyfriend his present, which I hope to surprise him with on Christmas Eve (the last day he will be here on his visit).

Gift: Akira Kurosawa's Seven Samurai, The Hidden Fortress, Yojimbo, and Sanjuro.

He once let someone borrow his collection, and it was never returned.

It ended up costing $85 more than it should have, because Barnes and Noble is fucking retarded and a bunch a thieves (literally). Whatever. It is so worth it.

O/

-K-

Fatty Fatty Two-By-Four

The following dates correspond to the start of my sophomore year in college, the end of my sophomore year in college, my 21st birthday and today.

Aug 19, 2008 - 215 lbs with 48% body fat

May 14, 2009 - 190 lbs with 44% body fat

Sep 2, 2009 - 165 lbs with 40% body fat

Nov 14, 2009 - 155 lbs with 36% body fat

During the first interval, I was barely trying to lose weight. The real process began about six months ago. It may seem like it took a long time, but that was my intention.I decided to take a gradual approach to getting where I wanted by creating habits that I could realistically sustain indefinitely.

My original long-term goal was to reach 150 lbs, and I only set an “end of the year” timeline during this past summer. It seems I will reach it, but I have not considered what I will do beyond that. The reason I picked that specific number is simply because it is around the area that is considered borderline normal/overweight (for my height at 5’5”).

Now that I am close, I have to admit, I am unsatisfied. The  numbers do not lie. I have lost 60 lbs and 12% of my body fat! However, I do not feel any different. When I look in the mirror, it seems that I look exactly the same. The only exception is that my breast have definitely gotten smaller!

At this point, I am focused on that atrocious body fat percentage.

Someday, if I dare dream, I would like to see it at 27%, which is about the center of what is considered “acceptable”. Likewise, I would like for my BMI to be around 21.7 (currently at 25.8), which is also in the middle of the range for “normal weight” and would put me in at around 130 lbs. Depending on my body fat percentage, I am willing to go + or - 5 lbs in either direction. This is, of course, all tentative.

I still need to work on these numbers (Target; Average): 

Calories - 1200 vs. 1249 

Total Fat - 30 vs. 38

Saturated Fat - 9 vs. 11

Cholesterol - 120 vs. 73

Sodium - 1500 vs. 2030

Total Carbs - 150 vs. 174
Dietary Fiber - 30 vs. 12 

Sugar - 40 vs. 61

Protein - 55 vs. 51

The total fat and carbs are new targets, which I have been meeting. It will take some time for those averages to drop. My biggest pains are still sodium and sugar! Right now I would also like to begin concentrating more on physical fitness rather than just nutritional, which should help with that body fat percentage and will keep me seeing progress as I get closer to my goal.

 -K-

Dear Blogger

I am coming to you on a most precarious evening.

Every other blog has been compromised. The need for simultaneous public catharsis and informational privacy lead, most unfortunately, to blatant dishonesty. A journal should not be insincere. It is to act merely as an extension of oneself. There need not be any "deep" thoughts that are forced or witty comments to secure social standing. All that is required is truth.

That is what I promise you from here on out.

On this particular night, I am full of anxiety and tension. I would say it concerns me to start anew with this mindset already in place, but it is, of course, the same uneasy feeling that brought me here to begin with. So perhaps these pages will at first be filled, regrettably, with angst, but I foresee lighter words in our future.

All I ask, Blogger, is that you allow me the shameful feelings, those that I have never been able to share elsewhere, with the proud. If it helps, just think of this as your quest: a mission to take me wholly as I am so that I, too, may someday afford myself that same acceptance.

-K-