I love you in that way

We think fantastic thoughts, but a lot of us stumble when the chance comes to share them. It seems many do not even bother attempting anymore. Still, we go on thinking them and imagine there being enough audacity within us to speak any words at any moment.

It is impossible to define what hidden truths lie within each person. They branch out into every conceivable corner of the human mind. Some are significant - ideas that would change the world. Perhaps a few are aware of this power. While others could never know the strength of even the most seemingly trivial subtleties. Still, most are only important in the context of our own minds and certainly are not the fearsome monsters we perceive them to be. The ones, which, when exposed, make us laugh in concealed self-embarrassment for having even worried in the first place. Of course, each lesson in this matter makes us no less likely to build up the exact same anxiety over every future sound we contemplate producing.

This is the moment where I hope someone cannot get something along the lines of, "I know exactly what you mean! I am the same way!" out of their mouths fast enough. Either way, I have shared this obvious reality of man simply to place you in the right frame of mind. So that, when I disclose what I shall in just a moment, you look upon me with sympathy and understanding. Aware that you have experienced the same unease many times yourself.

I love you. See how easy that was? Just a tap of my fingers on these black keys and I have given you a most serious part of my heart. It is quiet the same to pick up a pencil and to scribble across a piece of paper, "I love you." Certainly the words are true, but do I necessarily feel them in that moment that I write them? Probably not. Just an instant before or after, yes, but who knows where the human conscious goes in the midst of action. I suppose for many this distinction is inconsequential. For me it is not. How could it be, with what is at stake?

Speech. The ability of our brain to navigate specific connections which tell our muscles to move in such a way that we can vocalize even the most formless concepts. Surely, this is a feat in line with, if not superior to, pressing fingers against plastic and moving hands across paper. So what makes saying, "I love you." so special? Do we not also lose its meaning while we work to speak?

God, no.

I do not have an explanation for this. What it is about the movement of thoughts from our minds to our lips that does it, I do not know, but it is quite clear that saying certain words magnifies their meaning directly as they are spoken. Much more so than can ever be achieved in writing. Maybe it is the decreased distance. No possibility of their importance being lost in the confusion of travel. Consider though, that this is why, as I very first described, we so often cannot say the things we think. No matter how hard we think them, we tremble as our tongues attempt to give forth their true potential.

That is what it means for me to say, "I love you."

It was terrifying the first time. I hesitated, overwhelmed with the realization that you had finally said it. Knowing what it meant for you. Then I scrambled to center myself just enough to get it out.

It was thought a million times before. Maybe more. You know that. And eventually I had worked myself up enough to believe that I could do it at the right moment, and then I was so confident that I even began to worry I might not be able to contain it at the wrong moment!

Naturally, neither happened.

Then it was done. You, probably unintentionally, had eased the way by pushing me right through that open door. No way I could miss. Afterward, I assumed it would be easier in the future. I mean, we had demystified it and confirmed our feelings for one another, right? What was their to be afraid of?

Well, I had not counted on the phenomenon I illustrated earlier - that as long as those words are honest, their meaning will always be felt in the instant we open our mouths to express them.

So I cannot mindlessly tell you that I love you. It is not possible. Then I should mindfully tell you. I know, but can you imagine the feeling that comes over me when I dare attempt? Should I allow myself to quiver, cry, and fall into your arms each time? OK, well, I know your answer to that. :)

However, what am I to do when there are no arms here to catch me? No hands to dry away those tears, no matter how full of joy they might be? No one to steady my shaking knees? Maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but know that all those symptoms are at least manifested quite sincerely in my heart.

I love you in that way. The stupidly passionate way you read about in terrible romance novels like my mother reads. I am not afraid of loving you and I obviously am not afraid of you knowing it, but I definitely am afraid of being swollen with those feelings more often than my being can handle.

So I keep quiet and stay content with admiring you in my mind.

I know I cannot get it out each time we say, "Goodbye" on the phone, and so I avoid it, because I cannot bare you thinking that I do not always love you.

That is all this is. An explanation.

Earlier, I had a thought. It was fantastic, alright, but only in the  sense that it was preposterous.

I thought, "What if he starts to think I do not love him as much as I do because I cannot say it every time I want to?"

So I wrote this. To throw more thoughts and words at you. So maybe you can appreciate why I am still nervous about it all.

The problem now is, even knowing that this whole thing is not a big deal, will I have the courage to actually show you these silly thoughts or will this whole thing come full circle as I hit "Delete" on these little black keys?

-K-